


Hopeless Dream

by Lavanyaa



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Grief/Mourning, Hope, Hurt No Comfort, Loss, M/M, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-13 20:04:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21003395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavanyaa/pseuds/Lavanyaa
Summary: Merlin swallowed down his sob, and pushed away the threatening tears, as he hugged himself a little tightly, rocking his body back and forth, his eyes never leaving the sight of the Lake in front of him.





	Hopeless Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy the pain :)

Merlin was tired. His eyes were hurting, his arms and legs were numb, because of how long he had been sitting on the grass and how long he had been holding his shaking body. His mind was empty, broken, and his heart was destroyed. His life was meaningless. 

Everything around him was the same. It had been for days. The forest was still full of life,the trees were still alive and the home of so many living creatures. Animals still hunted. The grass was still green. The sky was still blue. Nothing changed. Everything around him was so full of life. Everything was still the same. Then why did Merlin feel like he was surrounded by utter and complete darkness? The ground under him was firm, the tree he was sitting against was hard on his back, as if it was grounding Merlin to a reality he didn't want to be part of. Why did he feel like he was drowning, under the ground, into the empty? The view before him was beautiful, the lake of Avalon was a wonderful sight, it was shining under the stars and the moon's light, the scene in front of him was breathtakingly beautiful, then why did he feel like he was staring into nothing? Why did he feel like he was staring into the void, a void filled with his deepest nightmares and cruelest fears? Why did this amazing view only made him feel like he was suffocating?

Why did everything around him was alive but felt dead? Why was he surrounded by life and beautiful nature but felt only darkness and destruction? Why everything around him looked living and he felt like he wasn't breathing anymore? Why was the ground under him strong and real and he felt like he was just floating in an empty space? Why life around him was still going while he felt dead inside? 

His body was still functioning but his mind had shut down. He couldn't feel it anymore. It was as if he was transparent, existent but not visible to his own eyes. 

His mind was filled with unpleasant thoughts, and every event that had happened those past years, his life at Camelot, beside his camarades, friends, family and _him_, flashed in front his eyes, reminding him of the cruel world he was left behind. And with every single breath of his, Merlin find it even more difficult and painful to keep his eyes open. He wanted to close his eyes, to succumb to the darkness, which was surrounding him, which was so close yet so far away from him. Even the darkness and death didn't want him. Why would life want him? He was hanging between these two, unable to go either way, because he couldn't. He couldn't leave this place. Because he was supposed to wait for his King's return. Just like the prophecy said. So he wouldn't leave. He would wait here, staring at the Lake, for how long would it take. 

His heart was the one which suffered the most, which was one of the worst victim of these horrible consequences. It had been shredded in pieces, torn apart, stumbled upon, ripped apart by so called destiny.

The destiny which was supposed to help him guide the King in building Albion, a land free of hate and violence against sorcerers and warlocks. A new kingdom of peace and love ruled by the purest and kindest of all Kings. But now, the King was dead. He had been killed. And Merlin had let it happen. He had been too late. If only he had reached the Battle of Camlann a few minutes before, maybe he could have done something. Maybe he could have stopped this. But "what ifs" and "maybes" weren't going to fix anything. What shouldn't have happened, happened. Everything was over. And there was no one else to blame except himself. 

Emrys. The Greatest Warlock af all. The most powerful being to walk upon this Earth. The Magician, The Healer, The DragonLord. But he wasn't all of these. He wasn't. He couldn't save the King. He couldn't save _Arthur_. His friend. He had failed him. And not only Arthur. But also Gwen. And all the knights. Percival. Leon. Gwaine. And he had failed the citizens of Camelot. And he had failed every single person who died for him and for the King : Lancelot, Freya, Balinor and so many others. He had failed his family. Gaius. His mother. And he had failed his people. The Druids. The warlocks and sorcerers who put their entire fate and their future in his hands, hoping and believing in him, that he could make this world a better place for them. They had trusted him with their life, with their hopes and dreams for a better future and a promised land. And he hadn't been able to fulfill their dreams. He had failed his destiny. 

Anger took over Merlin when his thoughts went to Destiny, the Pendragon Sigil resting in hand, his palm hurting because of how tightly he was holding it. It was the only thing that Arthur had left him. Along with his memories. Beautiful, memorable, wonderful yet painful and heart wrenching memories. Why did this happen? What was the point of all of this? Why had he came to Camelot and met Arthur if this was their end? _Arthur's_ end. This wasn't what the prophecy said. The prophecy said that Arthur and Merlin would build Albion. Together. But now Arthur was dead and Merlin was left behind. Was this their promised destiny? Was this their end? The end? How could this be? This wasn't fair. They deserved better. Arthur deserved better. Arthur deserved to _live_. Merlin was supposed to protect him, to keep him safe, but he hadn't been by his side when Arthur had needed him the most. All his magic, and he couldn't save him. All his powers and he couldn't protect him from his own terrible fate. How was he supposed to live now? What he was supposed to do? 

_ **“For when Albion’s need is greatest, ** _

_ **Arthur will rise again.”** _

He could wait. Yes, he could. He had waited for Arthur all those years, desperately hoping that Camelot would bring him the peace and the opportunity for his magic to be something. But he had got so much more than what he had hoped for. He had got friends, family, a job, a home, a placed to call his. And love. But everything was gone now. He didn't even know if his friends were safe from the battle. He didn't know how Gaius was. He definitely lost his job. Camelot couldn't be his home anymore, not after what had happened, they wouldn't accept him. It wasn't his place anymore. It wouldn't be his home anymore. Not without Arthur. And his love… His love had left him alone, to face the terrible reality of his life, heartbroken and hopeless. A love which had been at first only a task, a way to use his magic and explore it, and evolve it. A love which had been an obligation at first, a job. A love which had been a way to ensure the future of his people. A love which had been just a simple task, a simple job, just a normal occupation. He didn't know when Arthur became his whole life, but it had just happened. He didn't know when Arthur had started to mean everything to him, but it had just happened. He didn't know when his destiny had become his heart beat, it had just happened. But now… 

Merlin swallowed down his sob, and pushed away the threatening tears, as he hugged himself a little tightly, rocking his body back and forth, his eyes never leaving the sight of the Lake in front of him. 

Now, everything was gone and Merlin was left alone. Merlin had never thought he would outlive Arthur. He had always thought he would leave this world first. And of course, the unexpected had happened, which Merlin couldn't have even imagined in his worst dreams. But it was real. And he had never been this lonely and crushed. Nothing made sense anymore. His duty. His destiny. His life. His purpose. All of these were Arthur. And now that he was gone, he had left a void inside Merlin that he didn't know how to fill it up again. He probably never would. There was no cure for a pain like this. He had to live with this. But to do so, he needed to hopeful. But he had no hopes left. Not anymore. He just wanted him back. 

People say that hope makes life worth it. But how was he supposed to be hopeful when everything he had ever worked for had been taken away? 

He could wait without hoping. It would make it less painful. But yet, his traitorous heart couldn't help but to skip a beat happily as the thought of seeing Arthur again crossed his mind, but he quickly pushed it away. 

All he had to do was to wait. He could. He would. Someday, Arthur would come back. When the world would need him the most. He would rise again. Then, he would rule the world, by Merlin by his side, exactly how it was always supposed to be. And this time, Merlin wouldn't fail. He would do everything right. He wouldn't disappoint Arthur. He would guide him to the right path, for his own good and the future's. He wouldn't lie to him. He would support him and keep his safe from enemies. He would help him reach his fullest potential, to be the true leader and King he was supposed to be. People would love him. And everything would be good again. Everything would go back to normal. He just needed Arthur to come back to him. This was all he wanted. So he would wait. 

With the dream of meeting his destiny, once again, planted in his mind and heart, hoping that this one thought would be able to give him the strength and the will he needed to wait for his King's return, he stared ahead of him, and waited. 

**Author's Note:**

> Here, have some tissues *-*


End file.
